ok this is not going to be another NewS entry
abit of emo here..
it's abt the volunteery work
i met up with the my ajc students n their teacher in charge together with my mentor
actually u will realise by now
tt wad i m involved in is no ordinary volunteery work
it affects me alot mentally too
my mentor called me las nite
explaining the situation tt my team is in now
we are quite far away from target
n none of us is really doing anything to save the situation
i din get help from her either
so she said she's going to step in n getting the team moving
n asked if i was with her
n i asked her "honestly?"
i told her, honestly i din care if the target is hit at the end
but anyway, she said it's okay i felt tt way
but i shouldn't let tt surface to the students
so we went down to meet the teacher today
there were alot of uncertainties
but she was able to enrol the teacher's support
too much crap, wad i m abt to bring up here
is some of my deepest feelings tt i never dared to say b4
after tokking to my mentor,
i realised a major problem with myself
the lack of self confidence has always been a stumbling block throughout my life
and also the tendency to say i'm ok with blah blah blah...
n it's a step 1 n 2 formula
whenever i meet with a difficulty, the inferior self starts to speak
i find myself struggling n then telling myself,
hey actually i m ok with not trying also..
n so i m back at square one..
this is wad's happening in this project
n wad other times do i see this happening
a most recent example wld be all these things i've been hearing abt the pro pple in jap elec class
i was so struggling n i thot of dropping it cos i was afraid to be amongst those pple
99% of the time, it's all abt us
tt's wad my mentor said
us being afraid to lose, us being afraid to be alone
us not wanting to be in a threatening environment
n seriously i know tt if i let this chance slip by again
i wld nv be able to tell myself to pick up jap again
this lack of self confidence makes it hard for me to communicate with pple
i really have a problem with this
i tink as i get older, i have totally stopped communicating to pple
i stil talk alot, but i m nt communicating
i m not telling u my truest feelings
wad u see of me is jus a happy self tt i put on
i tink tt stems from a lack of self confidence n fear
tt u will laugh n criticise at wad i tell u
or secretly tinks tt i m so unmature, like what?! u r still at tt stage of life?
n it's so true, this oni started like in sec sch
i rem toking to xinwei yday
n told her tt if someone told me in my face tt i was a freaking ugly person
i would be very very hurt
even if it was jus one person
actually i received comments like this many times b4
tt i couldn't even compare to blah blah blah
tt i m thinking too highly of myself to even admire a shuai ge
it has something to do with 1001 pple commenting abt my face too
i never did realise all this until she asked if i had a bad childhood
i wld nt say it was a bad childhood, my childhood was a colourful n memorable one
but there are too many undissolved matters
too many unhappy events tt i carried with me to this day
n too many of these can really bring you down
cos u believe in them after awhile
i kept trying to tink of the possibilities tt made me wad i m today
i figure it has something to do with me shutting the door whenever i quarrel with my family
i never did know how to verbalise my feelings to a single person
i could oni write it out...
n when u ask me if everything is all right
i will say ya i m fine
tmr when u see me, i m stil the same old me
all of my emotions will oni last for the duration of this blog entry
the purpose of this entry was nt to signify tt i hav becum a better person
but to remind myself tt i had this conversation with myself
with these thots, i hope i find the courage to deal with the issues tt surfaces in the future ^^
|～キア～| a.simple.girl.in.this.complicated.world 1/09/2007 06:31:00 pm
MONTANA'SKY 
キアです。
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